Mwitu Pt 2

The latest craze in the mwitu market has been slim cutting of sim-cards to fit the phone of mwitu providers. Most people have now opted to replace their sim-cards to micro-sims even when their phones do not require this. While some of these people opted for the option of buying a brand new sim which comes already cut into micro-sim, others just took their original sim to the sim-doctor.

Initially, most smartphones came with a slot that could fit the huge sim-card. This has changed over the years with most smartphones now providing a slot for the micro sim only. This has seen most mobile users head back to the shops to have their sim-cards trimmed down to fit their new phones. While some of these customers have real new phones which require this micro-sim, most of them are people in need for mwitu and their mwitu consultant advised them to trim their huge sim-cards to micro-sim.

I don’t know how it’s done but from what I have observed, the mwitu consultant takes your sim-card then asks you to chapa lap and come after some time. You know that shit they tell you ukienda kwa fundi wa redio ama saa? This can take as short as five minutes or as long as two days. It heard it depends on the availability of ‘the CODE’. Finding an unredeemed code is tough job unless your mwitu consultant is one of the few who are good with the trends and has the latest codes in town.

Such types are known to have ready CODES in stock for you, they can however charge you anything, depending on how they woke up that day. I may be wrong but I have a feeling these guys can redeem just anything. Let’s just say that’s what I thought after I saw a screenshot of someone with 2k worth airtime. I don’t trust screen shots though. Photoshop things, you know.

After your mwitu consultant has loaded your sim with 3GB or 8GB data, here comes the challenge. This data expires in a month! Which means you have to exhaust you 8GBs in a month. You might have wondered where those people who send a 15Mb video on a Whatsapp group get their data. See that? We found you. The next time someone send an 80mb funny clip on whatsapp, ask them about their peddler’s contact.

Problem however comes in when your mwitu guy loaded only 1.5GB. Most of you will find that so little for a month. Depending on the number of Double-taps you do Instagram, RTs you give on Twitter, Funny Videos you share on Whatsapp, Voice notes you send your boyfriend, hatred you spread of Facebook, or whatever you do with your data. When your 1.5 GB is over, you have to wait till one month elapses. Say you’re loaded with 1.5GB on 1^st of January and it’s over by 11^th of January, you have to wait till 31^st.

You can’t take an advance here. Though I heard about a code which renews itself for the consecutive four months. It’s not easy to find it though. You didn’t expect it to be cheap either, did you? I hate to be the bearer of bad news, however, the undeniably largest network provider in the market, Safaricom  found a way to fix this late last year 2015.

Though some codes are still being traded out here, these are just kicks of a dying horse and they’ll be over soon. Their ardent competitor, airtel has not done anything yet and their mwitu is still in the market. This has seen most consumers moving to their network. I don’t how this will end but what I can say is that some people will have to pay for their debts. Just like the Lannisters!!!

It’s been a Pleasure

The dean wants me gone! ‘Juma, you should be out of here soon’ the dean of students told me. I don’t’ know if it was my beard or something. We just came from no shave November! For crying out loud. I know my time here is over, but you guys should stop using that against me. Now everyone wants me gone. Did I wrong you fellow comrades? Wait, does it mean am no longer a comrade? Please let me belong for a few days only, embrace me.

Sunrise Hostels

My long campus life is coming to an end on the 23^rd of December, which will be marked by the last exam I will ever sit for as an undergraduate student. Even though I have a few days left to spend with this annoying faces I hate to see, though I love, I already feel am not part of them anymore. These guys appear to have absorbed the shock and they’re dealing with it. They’ve gotten used to my absence. Truth is, every morning I wake up and when the thought of all that I will miss crosses my mind, I even fail to take my coffee, I find it so bitter!

It pains me that am splitting with all these people I’ve gotten used to. I will miss you so much, especially my neighbors. Now, my neighbors are those nice guys who wake you up at 6 am with the mighty smell of the holy blunt. One fast question for you gentlemen. How comes you smoke so early in the morning? Can’t you smoke some other time? Like say during the day when the rest of us are at school.

A big THANK YOU guys. For the years you’ve been my neighbors, I haven’t had to set an alarm. I know you can’t understand how much helpful you’ve been to me. You’ve always been my alarm and it has worked just perfectly. I will miss my roommate. All credits goes to him for all the kikuyu words I can now speak. barikiwe sana Macharia (pronounced Masharia). At least I can now eavesdrop into my missus conversation with her mom.

When her mom calls to tell to leave that omera (read, me) and hook up with a mwas from kiambu, hehe. Thank God I will know.Why do you love using the phrase “what the heck”? What happened to the hell we know? Did you guys burn it down? What beef do you have with hell, for Christ sake? Sorry chrisake.

I will miss our cleaner, Ishmael. Before this man Ishmael came, we had some robot cleaners. Not real robots, people robots.
They never talked to anyone. Am told they didn’t even talk to their boss. I heard that the day they got fired, their boss just hid their brooms and other cleaning materials! They had no brooms to push, and being that they didn’t speak, the gentlemen just left.

These are the people who would sweep your shoes all the way from 4^th floor to the ground floor, only for you to come back from school in the evening and wonder which idiot would steal your tattered rubber shoes.  You would look around the whole apartment for shoes, just to find them hidden below the rungs.

It was even more annoying when you had been in your room ‘sleeping’ only to wake up and find your sandals gone and those of you girlfriend too. This guys were nasty and sad. That’s why this guy Ishmael is special. He is that type of guy who would put up a notice at the noticeboard requesting you to put your shoes in your room, or knock at your door to deliver the message in person if he felt you didn’t see his notice and your shoes are still at the door.

I will miss the television room. I will miss watching television at that place. I miss those days I would sit tight, pressing my ass on those green plastic chair for hours, cheering madly into the night and shouting till my voice would get sore. And still my team would be bitten. I will miss those noisy episodes that we had with this gang, Collo, Juma, Anto, Allano, Charity, Frank, Ibra, Joram, Andrew, Wayne (Wise) Shitemi (Papa)…

I will miss the occasional jokes flowing across the room, especially when Arsenal was losing. I will miss those guys who caught feelings on such talks. I will miss the ManUtd supporter’s silence. Recently, my team the Manchester United Football Club has had bad form. And we the gang have been forced to shut up and reserve our comments only when Arsenal is losing I will miss this beef. The mature beef that this gang displays when the game is on.

‘Mertesacker atateseka’ am leaving school with these words engraved in my mind. They are stuck in my head, like those church hymns we used to sing in high school. They are the words of a struggling ManUTD fun like me, Juma. Hopefully Mertesacker atateseka sana.

The rugby funs can’t be for forgotten. I have a special place for you in my heart. Rugby Saturdays cannot be forgotten. Thank you for waking me up so early Saturdays. Kevo, Pepe, Nelly. Your voices have stuck in my head. Even if I was deaf, I would still recognize their voices of these gang.

The formula one gang deserve a tip of the hat. These are guys of distinction. Men with passion for cars and speed. Men who love sports and know how to celebrate. You can never know whether Hamilton is losing or winning. This guys have mastered the art of celebration. They celebrate in peace. They have learnt celebrate orderly and properly, as well as to deal with frustration in equal measure. Andrew, Jemo and Frank. Hats off to you guys Big up fellows. Fellows, we’ve enjoyed each other’s company, and it is now time to say goodbye! Till we meet again!!!

Mwitu Pt 1

I love the passion that we Kenyans have. Beautiful people in beautiful corrupt nation with many opportunities. There, I said it. I love this country. I am a proud Kenyan. It is general knowledge that we (Kenyans) are very creative people when it comes to devising ways of surviving. With the escalation of internet usage and the rapidly increasing number of on social media users, a lot of money is spent on purchasing data bundles, with different data providers offering different packages which the users still find expensive.

The cost of these data bundles is even more expensive at the thought that most of the people who spend many hours on the internet are jobless. This makes internet access not affordable to many young people with no jobs but are always online. It is from these ‘research findings’ that the famous ‘Bundles mwitu’ was born.It started somewhere in 2011 just when the Kenyan market was getting an introduction of smartphones.

I was in college back then, and I can remember only one lady in our class had smartphone, but things were to change by the end of the year when the mighty HELB Otieno decided to load our pockets. After the HELB El Nino had wetted us, almost all my classmates had bought that IDEOS, *do they still produce that thing? I heard that they are now a reserve for the Gor Mahia hooligans, after the city council got rid of those stones in the stadiums!! That’s the last time I heard Bro. Ocholla used it as weapon *it too was banned from Gor Mahia matches, I swear am not using it right now.

Did they really expire?

After everyone had bought their damn IDEOs, getting bundles to run this guzzler phone was a challenge, and those who were quick to learn the tricks and way around their phones would soon start stealing IMEI codes from their classmates and roommates and loading bundles on their own phones. It was easy, you just had to ask someone to give you their phone so you could have a look, note the IMEI then give the phone back to them.

Idiots didn’t know what was happening back then. And when they learnt the trick, their codes had been redeemed and those guys at Safaricom didn’t care, and if they did (read: cared less), this was the streets and you had to learn how to survive on your own.Soon all the codes around had been redeemed and the good students of mathematics started brainstorming on how they could develop more codes, with even higher bundle values.

The 1.5GB was getting depleted so first. I don’t know how they were doing it (maybe it’s a patented technology) but I once received a text from someone who was willing to give me 4GB at 300 bob! Sweet deal, right? Does it matter if I took it or not? We are here now. Personally I feel they should not be called ‘bundle mwitu’, in fact, they are promotional bundles that various network providers offer to their new subscribers.

These bundles are given freely to the new customer after the customer has sent the IMEI code of their new smartphone to a specific SMS number provided by the network provider. For Safaricom, send the IMEI code to 440 whereas it’s 544 for Airtel. You need to dial *#06# on your phone to get the IMEI. Most people were making money out of these bundles until things changed, and this activity has since been declared illegal.

However, another way was innovated (coming soon on pt 2) and the legality this new innovation is unclear. There is no network provider that has responded in any way to this issue. I believe they are aware that most people are now using these data plans. You should however use your data bundles on good courses. And not to download the Crème de la Crème thingy.