Wish me well!

Posted: November 12, 2015 in Life
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December is coming. This time it’s going to be poles apart. This December is different because at around date 23rd, I’m going to dot my undergraduate journey with the last paper of my final year of study. It is my hope all that I have learnt throughout this period, is going to be helpful for the rest of my life. I am going to clear my undergraduate program and join the world they call ‘huko nje’.

I am going to be a newbie again, except that this time nobody is going to help me learn my way around that new place. I heard everyone ‘huko nje’ is busy with their own stuff, their stubborn kids being sent away from school, their mortgage loans, their sick parents, their late dowry payments, their cheating spouses, their car loans, sextapes, HELB loans, side chicks… etc. The list is long. You can’t expect such a person to show you how shit is done out there. They have no time for your green ass.

Good Luck

Experience is the best professor. Funny thing with Professor Experience is that, he does not ask you whether you want a sitting or a take away cat. He can decide to bring that last chapter even before you’ve seen it let alone reading it. That’s the place I am headed. Wish me luck ladies and gentlemen.

I know the big guys at EBK still do not know me, and they won’t,  for a long time till I graduate next year at around the month of April or May, after which they will require me to submit my certificate and transcript to facilitate my registration as a graduate engineer.

It my hope this certificate is going to negotiate the salary for me. And that I am going to be paid highly for my skills. I am going to live life such that I may not find time for my readers here (ouch! That hurts), maybe I will hire a few broke guys to run this blog. Hehehe. That’s what people with money do. They pay others to do the job, does it sound familiar?

I am going to live in a big house. My college single room palatial home is going to bid me goodbye this month. The last time we‘ll ever be on the same lanes. I imagine it will be like the size of a toilet in the house am going to stay in after campus. I am going to furnish my house, that big house with expensive high-end electronics.

Arya Stark

The sound quality is going to be so good that you will be able to hear Arya Stark swallow saliva when talking. Watching movies at my place is going to make you rethink the decision you made when you bought that shit you call a television that you bought the other day.

I am going to start dating again. I am going to dust off my net and throw it out in the lake again. Only that this time I am going to be fishing in areas where the water is cleaner and fish more lighter, hehe. Yes, and I am going to marry that light-skinned bitch. I don’t care what opinions you have, you will have to hush, or rather write it on a piece of paper and…*you know how that goes*.

We are going to have beautiful seven kids. Yes, we’ll have already agreed on the number kids I (read: we) want.Oh God, those boys and girls are going to be pretty!! That’s why I am going to start keeping dogs. Am not a dog person, but for the sake of my daughters, I am going to build a wall around our home and keep dogs at the gate. Hmmm, those kids I tell you!

They are going to break my expensive electronics. And I’ll to like it, because it’s going to be all happiness in that home. And that woman is going to grow more beautiful day by day, and am going to fall in love with her again and again *is this the part where you say alpha and omega?*, even without thinking where we falling at.

Those boys are going to hate me. I am going to raise them into men, real men. They will thank me later, I know they will. Not this ‘bintilike’ men I see around, who catch feelings like that Chelsea’s striker, yeah yule babu. I am going to spoil those girls with love, because they deserve it. I am sorry for those who will want to marry them. The bar has been set too high.


{photo credit: oregonlive.com}

Kimathi’s got talent. These guys are sizzling. They are making a statement in the entertainment industry and if you wanna beef, please step back and revise your piece. They are on it and are coming out strongly. If you’ve not heard them, you are missing out a new better twist of the local music industry. They just dropped their debut music video, and dammit, this shit is dope.

Shot at the most sought out after, Dedan Kimathi University of Technology, this song is a hit. The song dubbed unapenda nini wewe loosely translated to ‘what do you love?’ is a question that most of the artist featured in the song try to answer in their various verses.

Verse one starts with MikeSpux who enunciates his love for swagger in a tight drift of rap expertise and proficiency of the English language. His intro captures your attention and builds your curiosity of what to expect from the rest of the gang. Verse two enters Siron whose flow can only be compared to that of Notorious BIG!!!  Rapping in Kiswahili, he states his love for money and relates it to wasupa. Siron will give you the flow, cant beef with that, can you?

I like Danny Boy. In verse three, Danny Boy utters his love for ghetto life. From his dreadlocks, Danny boy claims he embraces every person living the ghetto life especially those with locks as his. In verse four, Joe drops in with a cool style, describing his love for cars, soft style of rap, He drops his punch lines in a way that changes the rhythm of the song in an amazing way!

Verse five enters Just Joe who describes is love for rap and hip-hop music. Just like you’d expect someone who loves hip-hop, Just Joe does not disappoint, he delivers his verse in the classic hip-hop style, just with the correct faces, rap and dance. Lyrical Kris enters in the last verse with lyrical kikuyu flow. His verse gives the song a unique turn and give the song a place for shelter.

Produced by Wachi Production, the quality of the video is amazing. The humility achieved by integrating the color of the surrounding. This is a must watch video. There is talent in this country and after this song, you will agree too. With the limited resources this gang could get, what they did is marvelous. Be sure to look it here and enjoy!!

I like the video and the music. The music mostly. Something limiting with the video though, is the scenery. The video is shot at only one scene! This prevents the viewers the and wide coverage and taste of the setting. The heart of hip-hop which is mostly viewed as flossing and bragging is not depicted clearly in the video.

However, being a startup, and being that these guys are just now making their entry into the entertainment scene, their work is likely to get even better. These guys deserve the credit. With the creativity and the content displayed in this hit, I would give a seven out of ten. What a hit? Check them out here.

Mwitu Pt 2

Posted: January 16, 2016 in Campus Tales
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The latest craze in the mwitu market has been slim cutting of sim-cards to fit the phone of mwitu providers. Most people have now opted to replace their sim-cards to micro-sims even when their phones do not require this. While some of these people opted for the option of buying a brand new sim which comes already cut into micro-sim, others just took their original sim to the sim-doctor.

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Initially, most smartphones came with a slot that could fit the huge sim-card. This has changed over the years with most smartphones now providing a slot for the micro sim only. This has seen most mobile users head back to the shops to have their sim-cards trimmed down to fit their new phones. While some of these customers have real new phones which require this micro-sim, most of them are people in need for mwitu and their mwitu consultant advised them to trim their huge sim-cards to micro-sim.

I don’t know how it’s done but from what I have observed, the mwitu consultant takes your sim-card then asks you to chapa lap and come after some time. You know that shit they tell you ukienda kwa fundi wa redio ama saa? This can take as short as five minutes or as long as two days. It heard it depends on the availability of ‘the CODE’. Finding an unredeemed code is tough job unless your mwitu consultant is one of the few who are good with the trends and has the latest codes in town.

Such types are known to have ready CODES in stock for you, they can however charge you anything, depending on how they woke up that day. I may be wrong but I have a feeling these guys can redeem just anything. Let’s just say that’s what I thought after I saw a screenshot of someone with 2k worth airtime. I don’t trust screen shots though. Photoshop things, you know.

mwitu 2

After your mwitu consultant has loaded your sim with 3GB or 8GB data, here comes the challenge. This data expires in a month! Which means you have to exhaust you 8GBs in a month. You might have wondered where those people who send a 15Mb video on a Whatsapp group get their data. See that? We found you. The next time someone send an 80mb funny clip on whatsapp, ask them about their peddler’s contact.

Problem however comes in when your mwitu guy loaded only 1.5GB. Most of you will find that so little for a month. Depending on the number of Double-taps you do Instagram, RTs you give on Twitter, Funny Videos you share on Whatsapp, Voice notes you send your boyfriend, hatred you spread of Facebook, or whatever you do with your data. When your 1.5 GB is over, you have to wait till one month elapses. Say you’re loaded with 1.5GB on 1st of January and it’s over by 11th of January, you have to wait till 31st.

You can’t take an advance here. Though I heard about a code which renews itself for the consecutive four months. It’s not easy to find it though. You didn’t expect it to be cheap either, did you? I hate to be the bearer of bad news, however, the undeniably largest network provider in the market, Safaricom  found a way to fix this late last year 2015.

Though some codes are still being traded out here, these are just kicks of a dying horse and they’ll be over soon. Their ardent competitor, airtel has not done anything yet and their mwitu is still in the market. This has seen most consumers moving to their network. I don’t how this will end but what I can say is that some people will have to pay for their debts. Just like the Lannisters!!!

The dean wants me gone! ‘Juma, you should be out of here soon’ the dean of students told me. I don’t’ know if it was my beard or something. We just came from no shave November! For crying out loud. I know my time here is over, but you guys should stop using that against me. Now everyone wants me gone. Did I wrong you fellow comrades? Wait, does it mean am no longer a comrade? Please let me belong for a few days only, embrace me.

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Sunrise Hostels

My long campus life is coming to an end on the 23rd of December, which will be marked by the last exam I will ever sit for as an undergraduate student. Even though I have a few days left to spend with this annoying faces I hate to see, though I love, I already feel am not part of them anymore. These guys appear to have absorbed the shock and they’re dealing with it. They’ve gotten used to my absence. Truth is, every morning I wake up and when the thought of all that I will miss crosses my mind, I even fail to take my coffee, I find it so bitter!

It pains me that am splitting with all these people I’ve gotten used to. I will miss you so much, especially my neighbors. Now, my neighbors are those nice guys who wake you up at 6 am with the mighty smell of the holy blunt. One fast question for you gentlemen. How comes you smoke so early in the morning? Can’t you smoke some other time? Like say during the day when the rest of us are at school.

A big THANK YOU guys. For the years you’ve been my neighbors, I haven’t had to set an alarm. I know you can’t understand how much helpful you’ve been to me. You’ve always been my alarm and it has worked just perfectly. I will miss my roommate. All credits goes to him for all the kikuyu words I can now speak. barikiwe sana Macharia (pronounced Masharia). At least I can now eavesdrop into my missus conversation with her mom.

When her mom calls to tell to leave that omera (read, me) and hook up with a mwas from kiambu, hehe. Thank God I will know.Why do you love using the phrase “what the heck”? What happened to the hell we know? Did you guys burn it down? What beef do you have with hell, for Christ sake? Sorry chrisake.

I will miss our cleaner, Ishmael. Before this man Ishmael came, we had some robot cleaners. Not real robots, people robots.
They never talked to anyone. Am told they didn’t even talk to their boss. I heard that the day they got fired, their boss just hid their brooms and other cleaning materials! They had no brooms to push, and being that they didn’t speak, the gentlemen just left.

These are the people who would sweep your shoes all the way from 4th floor to the ground floor, only for you to come back from school in the evening and wonder which idiot would steal your tattered rubber shoes.  You would look around the whole apartment for shoes, just to find them hidden below the rungs.

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It was even more annoying when you had been in your room ‘sleeping’ only to wake up and find your sandals gone and those of you girlfriend too. This guys were nasty and sad. That’s why this guy Ishmael is special. He is that type of guy who would put up a notice at the noticeboard requesting you to put your shoes in your room, or knock at your door to deliver the message in person if he felt you didn’t see his notice and your shoes are still at the door.

I will miss the television room. I will miss watching television at that place. I miss those days I would sit tight, pressing my ass on those green plastic chair for hours, cheering madly into the night and shouting till my voice would get sore. And still my team would be bitten. I will miss those noisy episodes that we had with this gang, Collo, Juma, Anto, Allano, Charity, Frank, Ibra, Joram, Andrew, Wayne (Wise) Shitemi (Papa)…

I will miss the occasional jokes flowing across the room, especially when Arsenal was losing. I will miss those guys who caught feelings on such talks. I will miss the ManUtd supporter’s silence. Recently, my team the Manchester United Football Club has had bad form. And we the gang have been forced to shut up and reserve our comments only when Arsenal is losing I will miss this beef. The mature beef that this gang displays when the game is on.

‘Mertesacker atateseka’ am leaving school with these words engraved in my mind. They are stuck in my head, like those church hymns we used to sing in high school. They are the words of a struggling ManUTD fun like me, Juma. Hopefully Mertesacker atateseka sana.

The rugby funs can’t be for forgotten. I have a special place for you in my heart. Rugby Saturdays cannot be forgotten. Thank you for waking me up so early Saturdays. Kevo, Pepe, Nelly. Your voices have stuck in my head. Even if I was deaf, I would still recognize their voices of these gang.

The formula one gang deserve a tip of the hat. These are guys of distinction. Men with passion for cars and speed. Men who love sports and know how to celebrate. You can never know whether Hamilton is losing or winning. This guys have mastered the art of celebration. They celebrate in peace. They have learnt celebrate orderly and properly, as well as to deal with frustration in equal measure. Andrew, Jemo and Frank. Hats off to you guys Big up fellows. Fellows, we’ve enjoyed each other’s company, and it is now time to say goodbye! Till we meet again!!!

That girl

Posted: November 17, 2015 in Life
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Boys have girlfriends, and girls, boyfriends. By the time you hit thirty (where they say life starts), let’s say the’ cool gang’ have had a number of girlfriends, Switched between favorite love quotes, put  a few ladies’ pictures as your whatsapp profile picture and also changed your status a few times to describe your current love life.

You know those quotes that best suits your current status? I once saw this one that said; ‘You have to kiss a FEW frogs to find the right one, but not the whole fucking ocean.’ Funny quote, right?? You can guess the picture that was there. It’s funny that even after dating a dozen of ladies, most guys still find it hard on deciding the one to commit to, to settle down with.

There are those girls that you cannot really talk about because you don’t remember anything about them, except for that one night stand that had your expensive luxuriated timepiece get lost. You can’t remember if skuta sneaked in and took it because it was smelling of nyamachoma, or your good girl kept it for you.

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Then there are those girls, that haters say, you remember like it was yesterday, their memory is still fresh in your mind,  you would want to hunt her down and ask her out on a date, you know that one, don’t you? I hate to talk about those that you do not remember, because they should be locked down there, in the memory Pandora’s Box. Especially when the thought of that timepiece comes to your mind, damn it hurts.

We all love talking and contemplating about the sweet memories, those moments that had you sweat like those bulls from Busia during a bull fight. There is always something about these relationships that stand out, forget the cock fight stuff, oh sorry bull fight things. There is that one girl you dated that you wish you had another chance with.

And you hate to pick up your phone and call her, you keep telling yourself that a real man quit once, and your friends agree in unison. They tell you she was a bitch and that it’s a good thing you did by cutting her off. You laugh and drink to it. And it is a sweet pain when the whiskey passes down your throat.

The pain, the pain that she was the one who cut you off and not the version you told your friends, where you made yourself the hero. Often, this that girl your dated in your early twenties. Remember the one you promised you would marry? That girl you dated in college and you even cohabited in your final year at the college?

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She was there again during your graduation. You introduced her to your parents. Ooh yeah, your old man liked her, though mum didn’t, she was going to steal you away from her. Mum had thought. And mum was happy when it ended with her, at least not on your face. See that girl now? Do you remember her?

I have that type of girl and am going to call her today, ask her if she got married, how many kids she had,  if she beats her husband. If she forces her husband to laughs to her lame jokes, hehe.

I am challenging you to pick your phone call that girl, email her, send her a letter (*how romantic!!!), ask her how she’s doing, talk about those days when you were still young fresh and green. Crack jokes and laugh together because happiness is what the world gives us, be happy friend!

Listen, Darling

Posted: November 6, 2015 in Life
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It’s a good thing you are reading this now. By the time we meet, it is my wish that you will already have a rough idea about who you will be getting married to. First, I am grateful that you have trusted and believed in me (read; my vibes). It is a mistake I had not anticipated any lady would make.

It is however a bold and courageous step you have made and thanks for your love. Bae, I believe you have learnt that loving me is going to be difficult task.Having made it to this point, it is clear to me that you have thought about this matter carefully. It most importantly shows how deeply you believe in us and how seriously you think it will work between us.

love letter

I have also had a thoughtful meditation and contemplation and I believe, with little effort, this love is bound to flourish.Beautiful, I have always wanted this and there is no day I will grow tired of your company and carrying your damn handbag even though you know how annoying that is to me. Today is the last day I held that handbag while you were looking for your keys, I don’t know you damned phone.

Tell me sweetheart, how comes you always forget where you put your key? That reminds me, “Why do you always forget your jacket at my place? Your shoes, why are they still at my place? Which shoes do you wear when you left? Tell me my dear, are you marking your territory? Are you doing that thing girls do when they are ready to move in?”

By the time we will be staying together, I know we will have put things into place. If you will still be having the second thoughts of whether I am ‘the one’ or not, forget it my love, there’s no ‘the one’ because I will be here. There are no second thoughts my dear, either we are doing this or not.

You have to be damned sure you want to do this. I will know if you have second thoughts. Don’t lie to me, I’ll know when you are lying to me. Be honest. You know I like that word. I will respect you more for that and many other things.Dear girlfriend, I will not give up on you. Please do not give up on me too, I will do anything you ask, yes, anything.

I will love you more if I can come home and enjoy a delicious meal prepared by you, or put on freshly ironed clothes done by you, or lay on warm bed made by you, or even when someday you forget to wear that old t-shirt that you come to bed with. You don’t have to do this things, especially that t-shirt unless you are madly in love with me. You will see how our relationship will flourish if you humbly consider some of this requests. Say, we get rid of that old bamburi t-shirt during bed time!!!

I love the passion that we Kenyans have. Beautiful people in beautiful corrupt nation with many opportunities. There, I said it. I love this country. I am a proud Kenyan. It is general knowledge that we (Kenyans) are very creative people when it comes to devising ways of surviving. With the escalation of internet usage and the rapidly increasing number of on social media users, a lot of money is spent on purchasing data bundles, with different data providers offering different packages which the users still find expensive.

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The cost of these data bundles is even more expensive at the thought that most of the people who spend many hours on the internet are jobless. This makes internet access not affordable to many young people with no jobs but are always online. It is from these ‘research findings’ that the famous ‘Bundles mwitu’ was born.It started somewhere in 2011 just when the Kenyan market was getting an introduction of smartphones.

I was in college back then, and I can remember only one lady in our class had smartphone, but things were to change by the end of the year when the mighty HELB Otieno decided to load our pockets. After the HELB El Nino had wetted us, almost all my classmates had bought that IDEOS, *do they still produce that thing? I heard that they are now a reserve for the Gor Mahia hooligans, after the city council got rid of those stones in the stadiums!! That’s the last time I heard Bro. Ocholla used it as weapon *it too was banned from Gor Mahia matches, I swear am not using it right now.

Did they really expire?

Did they really expire?

After everyone had bought their damn IDEOs, getting bundles to run this guzzler phone was a challenge, and those who were quick to learn the tricks and way around their phones would soon start stealing IMEI codes from their classmates and roommates and loading bundles on their own phones. It was easy, you just had to ask someone to give you their phone so you could have a look, note the IMEI then give the phone back to them.

Idiots didn’t know what was happening back then. And when they learnt the trick, their codes had been redeemed and those guys at Safaricom didn’t care, and if they did (read: cared less), this was the streets and you had to learn how to survive on your own.Soon all the codes around had been redeemed and the good students of mathematics started brainstorming on how they could develop more codes, with even higher bundle values.

The 1.5GB was getting depleted so first. I don’t know how they were doing it (maybe it’s a patented technology) but I once received a text from someone who was willing to give me 4GB at 300 bob! Sweet deal, right? Does it matter if I took it or not? We are here now. Personally I feel they should not be called ‘bundle mwitu’, in fact, they are promotional bundles that various network providers offer to their new subscribers.

These bundles are given freely to the new customer after the customer has sent the IMEI code of their new smartphone to a specific SMS number provided by the network provider. For Safaricom, send the IMEI code to 440 whereas it’s 544 for Airtel. You need to dial *#06# on your phone to get the IMEI. Most people were making money out of these bundles until things changed, and this activity has since been declared illegal.

However, another way was innovated (coming soon on pt 2) and the legality this new innovation is unclear. There is no network provider that has responded in any way to this issue. I believe they are aware that most people are now using these data plans. You should however use your data bundles on good courses. And not to download the Crème de la Crème thingy.

Raising a Sibling, for Dummies.

Posted: March 27, 2015 in Life

I think I am getting an axe to cut off that wanker’s hand. Leave my sister alone, hehe

Mr. Headmaster

Posted: March 27, 2015 in Uncategorized
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'Ms. Peters, hold all calls. I'm busy implementing yet another hastily conceived and unproven education innovation.'

They made me do it. For a long time they had control of me. They made me do things, thing I didn’t want to do. I could tell they enjoyed doing that. Seeing me do things their way. I remember that one time he stood there at the assembly in the morning and ordered everyone to cut their hair by 4 pm that day. By 3.59pm, I swear everybody was clean shaven, like we were going for a military recruit program, you know how you have to keep your hair short for you to even use their mess?

My high school principal was a respected man, and he still is. We feared that man, wait, we obeyed that man. I guess we obeyed and feared with the same measure. His deeds scared most of us. Back when I was still a mono, I once heard one of the form four students say he had a pair of the school uniform and that he sometimes wore it. Oti, the bully claimed the principal did this to spy on students and spot those ‘bad influence’. That justified why he was always expelling students every other day.

Even though I was lucky not to have crossed paths with my principal by the time I cleared form four, he reminded me of my primary school headmaster. To a greater extent, these two people had a lot of common traits. The only difference was that, with the headmaster, there were no rumors of him owning a pair of the school uniform, and by the way nobody had seen my high school principal in his pair too. I later learnt that one of the school captains had played a prank on students so they could wake up for dawn. It was dark and cold and nobody had even heard the bell ring, he had imitated the principal’s voice and got everyone running to class.

My headmaster’s office had this window through which you could see the whole school {yes my primary school was that small, what did you think?}. There is this one time I didn’t go back to school in the afternoon because there was one of those Safaricom’s road show in town and the headmaster’s spies had reported me. That’s how I had gotten the privilege of looking through that window. Whenever a teacher was not in class, we would be making occasional glances at the window. We believed the headmaster was always watching us. Looking for that noisemaker. We believed he could call you at any time through that window.

He would occasionally do it, call you from your class but not through the window. I never for once witnessed that. I never fell into those punishment traps. I brushed my shoes, combed my hair, spread my bed, tucked in my shirt, wore clean shirts, played with friends and worked hard in class. However, there is one thing I hated. Something these people made me do. I didn’t like to cut my hair. For a long time I did, till this day I can say enough is enough. Thanks to all my teachers for all the lessons.

{photo credit: cartoonstock.com}

Club Dreamz, Nyeri

Club Dreamz, Nyeri

After consuming two bottles of GK, Richard makes more sense than when he is sober. He had many tales to tell that day, with different storylines. You could never get bored. He is such a good company when you want those single ladies at the next table to notice just how a good listener you are, except for the loud music which cannot let them differentiate between who is listening and who is talking. Just like any other normal Friday, we had gone to out to have one or two. {Which most of the times turned to six or seven}

The night out always started at County Palace after which we would later move to other joints in town. The design of this club will amaze you. The designer has done an amazing job with the limited space. Who cares about that anyway? To say too much, we only come here to drink, and the reduced prices of beer will draw much of the attention. But, you can’t help noticing this, with those beams only a few inches above your head. And the annoying ‘watch your head’ signs all over the place.

After kick starting the night here with two bottles each, we head down to AP Line. The joint that apart from having a younger audience which we find very active and fun, offers prices that will help you not dig deep into your shallow pocket. A bottle here costs 110 bob only. We decide to only have a bottle each because we cannot find a place sit. We therefore hang around the pool table watching these drunk fellows get into a heated argument because they can’t tell whose turn it is to play. We help the boys out but Mwas does not look very happy with our verdict.

Mwas thinks our peace deal has not given him any favors. That’s the hardest thing about mediation, someone always feel their half side of the bread has many crumbs while the other party feel there are more air spaces in their piece. We head to The Dreams after helping in some nation building and reconciliation. Dreams is where you wake up from your dreams. It is where you dance that shit away from your mind and face reality. It where you realize that dreams are just dreams after all.

The outdoor area that also dubs as the smoking zone, the bars, the couches, the VIP lounge and not to mention good music from an experienced Dj are just but a few things that will startle you here. Because Richard cannot call it a night without puffing some Dunhill for head rush, we decide to sit outside. The music is so nice and at different times, one of us will get up from their seat and make a few moves for their favorite tunes.

It is at this point that I realize I do not have a lot of favorite tunes after all. Because I am that guy who Steve keep asking to watch the table. No one wants to leave this place but we still have to see what’s happening at Happy Times. We just can’t the variety of cocktails at that joint and the shisha pots makes the place the epitome of partying in Nyeri.

The best way to end your night is to end it while you are happy, and that’s the package they serve you at Happy Times. We are all very tired and it’s time to go home have some rest. Tomorrow, I will tell you how each of us handled the hangover part of it. Remember everyone has their own hangover remedy. What works for you might not work for me.

{Image credit: Club Dreamz, Nyeri}